Please send all comments and criticisms to dthomasaudrey@lycos.com



A Message From Department of Homeland Insecurity

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Lafayette Mayhem Foundation, I, D. Thomas Audrey, would like
to extend our gratitude to the Lafayette Community for its reaction to the essay we distributed to
the entire student body, faculty, staff, and administration, via hand-delivered hard copy or mass email,
the second and third days of finals week last semester.

Comments and criticisms of "Six Figures Won't Raise My Children" may now be viewed here.

In the spirit of respecting the privacy of all correspondents, their replies have been posted
anonymously.

LMF is happy to report that since overall reaction has been so generous and well received by some members
of our community, the essay has branched out and achieved notoriety beyond this campus.

Thank you for spreading the word. To whom it may concern.

Following the suggestions of one member of our administration, LMF is now considering submitting,
"Six Figures Won't Raise My Children" for professional publication and distribution to other college
campuses.

____

Now that all proper introductions and social pleasantries have been dispensed with, we wish to formally
address some of your questions concerning the nature of our organization.

"What is LMF?"

LMF is a confederated student organization, the project of one D. Thomas Audrey, based on official and
unofficial contributions from Lafayette students, faculty, staff, alumni, and administration who have taken
a personal invested interest of their own choosing in freely debating, discussing, and spreading awareness
of the major political and social problems crippling our times.

We are not a résumé booster.

Sorry.

Also among the guilty are two house painters, the owner of an automotive repair shop, and a former
high-ranking executive of a major American insurance company.

"Why LMF?'

In our short time some of us have actively witnessed the continuation of a slow, steady, and systematic
decline, in the fundamental constituents of our society beginning after the Second World War - most notably
the sad deterioration of the spirited American work ethic, the stable American family, and most Americans'
desire to assume the reigns of their government through active democratic involvement. By having grown up
entirely under this thin veil of assumed political invincibility, facilitated by unprecedented economic
prosperity, our generation lacks the necessary vigilance and sharp awareness of the formidable circumstances
that, on so many levels, now seriously threaten the social and political equilibrium of this country.

The events of September 11th, though truly horrific, merely aggravated these deeper trends already at work
within the greater American social fabric while also exposing several fundamental weaknesses previously
unforeseen by Americans, yet fully understood by the terrorists. And now we are busy making the huge mistake
of having long-ago accepted the notion that "things have returned to normal," while it is perfectly clear,
even today, that neither our current domestic nor international policies reflect such a normalcy.

America is slipping on so many fronts, and no one wants to admit it.

Hence, LMF.

"Didn't you totally rip off "Fight Club" in naming your organization the Lafayette "Mayhem" Foundation?"

Yes.

That was the point. We are deeply inspired by the movie "Fight Club" and the author of the book by the same
title, Chuck Palahniuk. His surgically acute criticisms of contemporary American life at the turn of the
century are a testament to Generation X at its cynical finest. In Palahniuk, America has found a radically
new literary voice with the impact of a sledgehammer.

(this is a plug)

"Fight Club," 1996, ISBN: 0-8050-6297-1
"Invisible Monsters," 1999, ISBN: 0-393-31929-6
"Survivor," 2000, ISBN: 0-385-49872-1
"Choke," 2001, ISBN: 0-385-50156-0
"Lullaby," 2002, COMING SOON.

"What about the part where you claimed you were a "student anarchist society?""

It was a joke.

Some of you got it.
Some of you didn't.

_____

LMF is not anti-corporation.
         not anti-feminist.
         not anti-careerwoman.
         not anti-making six figures a year.
         not anti-American Dream.

We simply denounce the hypocrisy of those corporations who endlessly bullshit the general public into
believing that when it comes to races and sexes they're actually more interested in equal opportunity than
equal exploitation.

Who remind us on a daily basis that public relations is often public masturbation.
Who continually distort, manipulate, and bastardize the true integrity of the American Dream.

A simple truth may be spoken of all corporations.

There are companies that take care of the workers who take care of them.
There are those that do not.

And any business that lasts is built on a solid foundation of trust.

By and large, unconditional loyalty between any worker and his employer has become a lost art in American
business and with the entire American workforce altogether.

There used to be a time, only thirty years ago, where you could anticipate spending your entire career
with just one company if you simply did your job well and did your part in helping it make a profit.
One hand washed the other.

But thanks to the cut-throat-crash-and-burn-kill-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-'em-out-fast-track-buy-now-pay-
later-I-only-care-about-the-bottom-line-yeah-that-was-yesterday-but-what-have-you-done-for-me-today-fuck-
you-out-of-my-way-because-I-want-it-all-all-all-now-now-now shamelessly corrupted ethics and attitudes of
post Baby Boomer American business, my generation can count on changing jobs an upwards of SIX or SEVEN
times before retirement because the average corporate foot soldiers working in cramped packing crates for
eight or more hours a day have become no better to their employers than commodified trading cards.

So feel free to trust American big business again when they decide your future is worth the long-term
investment.

Otherwise, I'd keep looking over your shoulder for that chopping block. And while you're at it, keep
praying that everyone's social security benefits and that little 401k of yours are actually worth something
in thirty years.

_____

Through your criticisms, some of you have implied that "Six Figures Won't Raise My Children" presents too
much of a one-sided argument by suggesting that a family's united pursuit of the American Dream almost always
necessitates its collapse into emotional and spiritual ruin. That it never works out. That the American
Dream is ultimately a fool's paradise.

Something needs to be understood loud and clear,

Pursuit of the American Dream is a gamble. Not a guarantee.

Throughout the course of our lives, television, advertising, friends, and family will agitate us to the point
where we start believing that we are all meant for the "good life" above wherever we are now, and that if we
fail to achieve this, we are somehow miserable personal failures.

The reality is, the vast majority of young Americans now will end up living a quality of life just like their
parents, working jobs just like their parents. And a significant number of them will eventually find
satisfaction and contentment keeping things the way they've always been - like their parents have and their
parents before them.

Our capitalist economy and free enterprise system provides us all with the opportunity to sculpt our own
lives by working hard and working smart.
This is our birthright as Americans.
This is what we pride ourselves on.

However, by investing excessive amounts of time and energy towards securing greater professional and
economic opportunities for yourself and those you love, you run the risk of successfully destroying all
the things you tried to make better through the silent miracle of neglect.

_____

For the past SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS, the raising of a child by his or her parent has required that the
parent occupy the same relative space as his or her child for a sufficient amount of time such that child
acquire the necessary tools for self-sufficiency that allow him or her to survive in the world and one day
successfully repeat the exact same process with his or her own children.

This fundamental process to human existence once known as "parenting" involved guidance, emotional support,
and most importantly, teaching.

Which requires time.
Effort.
Patience.
Persistence.
You actually being there for your kid.

So unless we've all evolved beyond the point where this very basic formula no longer applies to everyone and
someone forgot to tell me, it's safe to say that any amount of money you could ever earn or personal success you
may ever achieve will never suffice as an adequate substitute to good parenting.

_____

Through their widespread collective failure in being our responsible mediators and guides to the world of work,
duty, family, and country, the Baby Boomer Generation has by and large successfully proven that our generation
is more to be trusted than theirs.

"30 years ago our parents used to say never trust anyone over 30.
Now we can't trust our parents."

-D. Thomas Audrey.

Thanks to a good fight with a twenty-one-year-old member of our community, a devoted Economics and Business
major and well-articulated opponent to my original argument, we believe we have achieved a successful synthesis
of what it means to be a good parent.

"A good parent is one who successfully takes care of the practical needs of the family while equally attending
to its emotional and spiritual needs as best he or she can."

Adults who only work to provide opportunities for themselves and their children while flat out ignoring the
nurturing aspect of family life, fail as parents because they invariably produce emotionally troubled children
who have everything in one sense and nothing in the other.

Conversely, parents who succeed with the nurturing aspect, but do not attend to the practical needs of the home
are equally as useless for failing to provide the necessary means for survival and setting a positive, real-world
example for their kids.

It's a very simple 50/50 relationship that relies heavily on a parent's appreciation of and understanding the value
in striking a very difficult balance between being both a strong economic and emotional provider.

"Six Figures Won't Raise My Children" begins as the nightmarish portrayal of an American family in which that balance
has been lost and total collective ruin is the end result.

_____

In closing I wish to once again formally thank the Lafayette Community's contributions to our project in not only
fostering a greater sense of social understanding for ourselves here at LMF, but for yourselves as well, during these
uncertain times when we all need it the most. In our drive towards personal maturity we feel we have contributed
something back into our college community and built something together.

Perhaps we are now one step closer to walking out of the utter disgrace that has become the American family.

-Tom Audrey.

P.S.

It's only a very small step.

But you can always build more steam with just a grain of salt.

_____

Please keep all toddlers in nylon harnesses and leashes.

Because yeah. That's the way it's supposed to be.

_____

"Drink your milk. Take on the bully. Kick some ass.

Rich whole milk, jam packed with vitamin D, helps to build strong and healthy teeth and bones...

...that are harder to break in a fistfight.

Please support high school hallway fighting.

Thank you."

-A message from the LMF Public Relations Department.

_____

LMF thanks Kurt Cobain, Howard Beale, and Clayton Hafer ('87) for their tireless leadership and endless inspiration.