Please send all comments and criticisms to dthomasaudrey@lycos.com



Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention please.
This is a social insurrection.

Six Figures Won't Raise My Children
An Essay By D. Thomas Audrey...

...the chairman and CEO of the Lafayette Mayhem Foundation, Lafayette's first student anarchist society.
Founded today, LMF is dedicated to the ultimate triumph of truth and the transcendence of bullshit. YA-HEY!

My youth and the youth of my friends was a fun house of broken families. A tragic comedy of parents who put
their lifestyles in high orbit above their home lives. Of parents who were too busy with their careers. Of
parents who simply were not there.

I can attend Lafayette College at the cost of a couple luxury cars over four years. I can travel anywhere
I want, whenever I want. I can say that all my basic needs are more than taken care of.
I am blessed...in that sense. But I cannot reconcile the problems of my parents' marriage.
I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not disconnect from my struggle like others
of my kind. Instead I will embrace it - head on.

I'm on the fast track. To make a lot of money. Have a successful career. Continue chasing
the American Dream. Never spend time with my family. Work too much. Have my marriage crash
and burn. Have children that hate me. To jump right back into the cycle. Trying to escape
the nightmare I've created for myself and the ones I love, but only perpetuating it. A
mixed-up white-collar marionette of misguided intention and quiet desperation. Working harder.
Buying harder. Buying better. Trying harder to escape. Today yesterday tomorrow, spending a
lifetime neglecting the few irreplaceable blessings I have, chasing all the problems I never
wanted. Hey man, slow down. Idiot. Slow down. At what point did the future become a
threat instead of a promise?

Today white-collar America has both parents of most married couple families working like hamsters.
In their youth, our mothers were told and encouraged by society to "have it all" by being good career
women, wives, and mothers all at once. The truth is, by having brought legions of American women
into the workplace since the 1960s, corporate America has nearly doubled its labor force in the matter
of a single generation and has cashed in heavily because of it. They have effectively brought the social
condition of most Americans back to something somewhat similar to the Industrial Revolution where most, if
not all members of the family were required to work just to meet basic subsistence needs. Companies and
businesses used to pay their employees enough so that one parent could legitimately provide for their family.
Now by having cleverly increased the average cost of living in America without increasing employees'
income, corporations pay people less today than they used to for the very same jobs.

Many of our mothers have more than proven that women are just as capable as men in the great majority
of American professions. However, their ambitious participation in the economy has redefined the
structure and roles of the traditional two-parent American family, such that day-care, afterschool
programs, nannies, and professional babysitters have become the norm, not the exception. These new
practices compensate for parents not making the time anymore to raise their own children. They are too
busy chasing the illusion of "having it all." It's bad enough already when one parent is not there because
they've passed on or because the facts of life have left a single parent alone with their children. In that
case, they're already bearing down trying to make ends meet and don't need the rest of society putting a
golden carrot in front of them saying life could be so much better if they just worked harder or made the
"right" career moves. "Having it all" is not a one-way idea, and men are just as responsible.

"Having it all" is a dangerous conception fostered by corporate America that exploits most women's genuine
desire to prove themselves worthy in a professional world still very much dominated by men especially in
positions of higher power, authority, and leadership. And despite many people declaring equality, equality,
equality, in the workplace, the fact is that women on average are still being paid 75% of their male
counterpart's wages for the same positions. However, because of the incredible influence of the feminist
movement on the American workforce, women have challenged men to reevaluate and redefine their conception
of professional success such that men too now are interested in "having it all." Older generations of
businesspeople were much more easily satisfied with less furiously aggressive but more stable and secure
philosophies of professional success that took longer to achieve.

All corporations care about is the "bottom line." So here's the bottom line on raising a family in 21st
century America as a married couple family. Either one parent comes home, the other parent comes home, or
both parents come home, but families absolutely must find their own systems that work so that at least someone
is home to raise the children. Otherwise, you have the debacle of my youth filled with misguided, medicated,
pissed-off latchkey kids who feel betrayal and resentment towards their selfish parents. Because history
repeats itself. Repeats itself. Repeats itself.

Forget your career. Forget your goals. Forget your ambition. You can't take care of your own family
emotionally if you have all the practical needs covered and you still want more, more, more. That's not
right. Family's not about your career. And your career can go take a back seat to the things that matter more.

You want a real challenging and rewarding career? Try being a parent. Raise a decent, hardworking
contributor to society that isn't in some way screwed up by their parent's actions like most of my friends
and the people I know. Have them come back to you when they're fully grown and hear them thank you for
being a good parent and teaching them the ways of the world. That's real success.

Parenting is not a part time job. It's not a weekend job. You won't get paid overtime for unconditional
love and society won't ever give you a round of applause and a shiny plaque on the wall for a job well done.
Why? Because it's your duty. And that's enough. The day you understand that is the day you know something
some of our parents have not learned and will never learn.

What's the solution you ask? What's the solution to spending the rest of your life working like a hamster?
Learn. Screw up. Ask questions. Contemplate. Repeat steps 1 through 4 and repeat, repeat, repeat. That's
what college is for. I have spent most of my time at Lafayette confused, half drunk, struggling bad in most
of my classes, busy discovering all the things that I don't want before I found anything that I did. This
is something the office of admissions won't tell you. This is something many of your parents will never tell
you. But it's o.k. to fail. It's o.k. to be lost. It's o.k. not to have all the solutions as long as you
feel you are making your very best attempt towards finding out what you want out of life and following a
direction at all times. The truth is many of you will not have found the path by graduation. I'm sorry.
But most people just don't have their entire life straightened out in four years. Asking that from anyone is
insanity. I probably won't. You probably won't.

The road to inner peace of mind is long and hard to find, but worth the effort.
Find out what you want.
Find out what you love.
Find out who you love.
Go after it. And grab the bull by the balls.
Because it's your ass on the line. Not your parents'. Not your friends. Yours.

Ladies and gentleman, thank you for your time.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.

-Tom Audrey.

(Tom would like to thank H.B., P.C., J.C, and C.M. for making this essay possible. Thanks guys. God bless.)

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Six Figures Won't Raise My Children is an unregistered trademark of D. Thomas Audrey
industries and may be freely used, reproduced, and broadcasted without my expressed written consent.

Because I say so.

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Hey kids! Tom says...

Listen to Nirvana, drink your milk, and ignite a revolution!

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LMF fun stuff:

The official LMF Alma Mater:

Migh-ty MAY-HEM,
Migh-ty MAY-HEM,
Migh-ty MAY-HEM,
We love you,
Oi Oi !

The official LMF motto:

No need to push us, cause' we're already bein shoved.

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Please send all comments, criticisms, and/or death threats to the official LMF complaint department at:

DThomasAudrey@hotmail.com

Thank you. And have a nice day :)